you said move on (where do i go)

title:
date: Sunday, June 26, 2005
time:12:31 PM

Hey guys!!

Well, yesteraday i met up wif one of my cuzzins at Suntec city!

He gave me tis book filled wif love poems!

They all sound gr8 so i decided to advertise his work on my blog..

Here it goes..

Hope u guys like it!! =)

Title: Eu say eu love me..

You say you love me and you say you care,

but to me it feels like you never want to be there.

You kiss me and hug me and hold me tight,

but a lot of the time,

that stuff just doesnt feel right.

I love you a lot and I never want you to leave,

but sometimes it feels like our love was never meant to be.
I love your personality and the way you make me feel,

but all that just seems to good to be real.

I hope all the stuff you say you feel is true,

or else I would be so down and wouldnt know what to do.

I would never lie to you or hurt you in anyway,

and I hope you will always so the same.

I wanna be with you forever till death do us part,

I mean that so dearly it comes straight from the heart.

Title: I don give a f*ck...

I torture the person who lives in my skin,

I wish to die and that is my sin,

I cant wait till the next life to begin,

and throw away the current in the been,
I've hated myself for a while,

bout it seems longer for many a mile,

I am forced to pull a smile,

because my life is unbelieveably vile,
I believe I shoudn't be here,

and most people know that and it's what they fear,

every night I shred a tear,

and some nights I drown my sorrows in pints of beer,
some may say I'm an alcoholic,

and some may say I'm a heavy smoker,

but I really just don't give a f*ck

But my fav is definitly tis one.. =)

Title: Love hurts..

Don't ever give up if you still want to try,

don't whipe your eyes if you still want to cry,

don't stop asking questions if you still want to know,

don't say you don't love him,

if you can't let him go.

title:
date: Friday, June 24, 2005
time:2:42 PM

I feel MISERABLE* today!!

I am not myself today..

Feeling weak..

Feeling ignored is wat i feel rite now!

People around me pretends i am not there and nobody cares!

I hate myself and the life tt i have been living in!

I pretend to be a normal gal wif no probs..

But my heart is full of regret and hatred!

I have been putting on a show..

I am not the gal tt everyone thinks i am

I am full of questions tt have not been answered for a long time!

I am not perfect nor am i good!

I have been wearing a mask so tt i look normal..

But wat can i do!

I was born in tis life and nobody can ever help me!

I tried to help myself but it juz made it worst!

For hating ppl, i HATE myself!

Y do i feel tis way?

Y cant i live like a normal teenager wif full of love?

I don knw wat love means to me and i will neve knw!

Help me!

title:
date: Tuesday, June 21, 2005
time:5:29 PM

*Happy 10th Month To My *Darling! =)

Happy 11th Month To My Darling *SHIMA!

' ' I am feeling sick! =(

I hate to be sick and it is making my body weak!

My mommy gave me medicine and i don feel tt much better since juz now!

I hate it!!

The weather today is making me sleepy!

School is goin to re-open in 5 days and i cant wait!

I cant stay home animore cox i keep on thinkin'' of things tt i thought was left behind in the past!

The past is coming back and it hurts my heart so badly!

My brain is playing games wif me and i cant control it!

The brain is telling ME* tt people hate me!

My past is haunting me again and it wont stop till i break down!

I feel helpless!

Mayb people do hate me!

My tears are turning into dust and i cant live without HIM*!

The world is still spinning and I am still living for him!

I have so much to tell you but i don knw how!

They are all stuck in my heart and i don knw how to express it!

And if u are sick of me...

Yu can juz let me go cox it is ur life tt i am ruining!

I don wan to be a burden to yu and the rest of my fwens!

Jux tell me wen it is OVER!

M'ess'age to *SHIMA! =)

Hey'gerl!

We have been best fwens ever since i could remember and yu are the best!

Don ever say tt i don care abt yu!

If u hear it from my mouth then it is TRUE!

But if i don say anithing means it is not true!

Yu were always there for me and did alot of things for me!

I realli appreciate it from the bottom of my heart!

Yu mean alot to me and so do the 3 other sistaz of ours!

LoveYea! =)

title:
date: Saturday, June 18, 2005
time:6:09 PM

Happy Father'sss Day To All The Fathers In The World!

Boring!

Why is life so boring nowadays?

I don have anithing to do...

I feel bored most of the time and i feel like killing myself

My mom is bz cooking and my bros are bz watching tv!

Nobody wans to entertain ME*!

My hunny is working today and i cant call him..

Still wondering who tis WISE* person is and my head is abt to pop!

I miss SHIMA and KASMI and Anakku DIANA!

If onli i can have one wish..

I would like to be wif them now!

Where are u gerls?

Haix!

I miss u guys!

Cant wait for skool to reopen!!!!

LoveYouGuys!!

title:
date: Thursday, June 16, 2005
time:4:27 PM

Feeling cold and miserable is normal for me!
Life in tis hse is neve gr8 for ME*!
I have had enough wif my dad's scolding!
Being the oldest in the family means sacrifising my time for everyone..?
Wat bullshit are u toking abt!?!?
I have neve met a grumpy person like u, dad..
U are the most "perfect" person in the world rite?
Give me a break!!
I don have time for miself but u say i have been spenting time wif fwens!
Wat fwens*!!!
I have not spent time wif my fwens since skool ended!
So wat is all this bullshit abt me and my fwens??
U not happy wif my fwens then come and tell me in the face!
Why do u have to complain abt me and my fwens behind my back!
I HATE ppl who do tt!!
Beat me..
Slap me..
or
Cane me to death!
Since when u cared!
u BEAT me and leave marks and then try to apologise to me!
Next time juz kill me!
Then don even bother to apologise!
These marks and scars make me hate u more and more!
Hatred is collected in my heart and it is filling up my heart!
Plz leave me alone cox i don wan to have anithing to do wif u animore!
Don ever call me ur lil'gerl animore cox i am not!
I am 15+, dad!
I don wan to be urs animore!
I don wan ur gifts or ur love!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
I cant take it animore.. My life is bruised wif hatred!
My heart is full of hatred and I don like tt!!
I don like my life!
End it for me tt, dad!
You are good at ending things for me rite!!!
Plz do the honours!
Stab me in the back and leave me there to die!
Watch ur baby gerl go!
Watch her fade away from ur arms..

Well.. at least when i am gone.. You have one less lil'gerl to take care off rite!\

Not ur lil'gerl animore!!!

title:
date: Tuesday, June 14, 2005
time:2:01 PM

I am BACK!

After a wonderful time at Downtown East, i am finally back!

I had the most fun time there and it realli made me feel great!

We had a realli nice room wif 4 beds and the room was bloodly cold!

Let me tell u the things tt i did there...

DAY ONE..

I came back from netball and got ready as fast as possible..

My aunty, mommy and 2 brothers were waiting for me to get ready..

We took a cab from under my blk and went straight there..

When we arrived, we could not find the reception counter to check in..

Without the key, how to enter the room!

We went all over the place and still could not find!

I bumped into this realli cute guy so i decided to ask him where the reception counter was..

It was rite infront of us and we did not knw!

We checked in and unpacked our stuff!

I hanged my clothes and changed into my red slippers!

We decided to go on a shopping spree for food!

Rite outside the chalet, there was a cheers shop..

We bought cup noodles for lunch and some soft drinks!

We then went on a short shopping trip at the nearby shops and i bought a beautiful pair of

earrings and a bracelet!

It was beautiful!

Then we went back to the room and decided to eat while watching "Constatine"!!

The show was awesome!!

My daddy arrived from work and decided to take us out for dinner!

We had to stop the show half way and got ready for dinner!

We had sea food tt nite and then went shopping again!

My daddy bought for me a green long skirt tt looked great on me!

It juz made me look younger! haha!

Went back to the room and continued to watch the show till abt 3am..

DAY TWO..

Got up at abt 11am and i was still feeling tired!

My dad decided to go to Wild Wild WET!

We had breakfast then we made our way there..

The entrance fee was so expensive..

I went into the "Shiok Pool"

It was a lazy pool tt had waves!

COOL!!

Then me and my bro took the water slides!

Tt was amazing man!

My family then took this family ride called " Ular-lah"

Tt ride almost gave me a heart attack..

The life guard tt was in charge of the rides are so CUTE!

One of the life guard looked like Shalih and looked juz like him!

Scary!

I spent abt 4 in there and my skin colour changed!

So scared to get into the sun again!

We went for dinner after tt and had some fun at the room after tt!

DAY THREE..

We had breakfast in the room..

We had Nasi Lemak and some soft drinks!

Then we went out for a walk then went back to the room..

We played monopoly and uno!

We made so much noise man!

Haha!

We mostly spent our day in the room..

But at nite, we went to my daddy's fwens hse to visit his kids!

They are not close to me anymore cox it has been a long time since i have been wif them..

I am so busy tt i don have time for them!

We reached back to our chalet at abt 10 pm

We decided to go to the arcade!

Spent abt $20 on games and had so much fun!!!

DAY FOUR..

We all woke up early to for a short swim at the pool..

Then came back to pack my bags and to check out!

Before i checked out, i meet the cute guy tt helped us find the reception counter!

He said bye and then i lefted!

Tt is the end of my holiday!

Now back to real life!

I realli wished tt i was still having holiday!

I miss him and i knw tt he misses me too!

But the one thing tt is bothering me is the fact tt his mom knws abt us!

I am so scared baby!

I realli hope nothing happens to us!

Did u get me anithing from melaka??

I hope u did!!!

I love you, BABY!!

title:
date: Tuesday, June 07, 2005
time:6:58 PM

Life is so boring today!

I cant go out and i cant go out for the chalet!

I really wanted to go so i can spent time wif fwens and HIM* but it can neve come true!

My family is ruining my relationship and i cant do anithing abt it!

My dad is controling my life and my mom is trying to help me in the same time!

He can neve let me go!

So Overprotective!

I realli pity him bcox he wont have anione to spent wif at the chalet!

I hope he is not the onli one without a gal there!

See wat i mean when i cant fufil his wishes!

I can neve do anithing for him!

I can go out wif him bcox of my dad and i can meet him even for a while!

Wat is life all abt then?!?

Staying home and getting fat??

Life has more meaning to it man!
Life too me, means spenting time wif the people i love the most!

Grrr''!!

If onli i had a life like the other teenagers in tis world!

How enjoyable my life would be!!

haix!

I miss my fwens and him!

I have not seen them for so long!

I wish tt the holidays were over!

I want to go to skool so i can spent time wif them and not in tis miserable house!

I miss u guys so much!!

And i cant wait to meet u guys when the skool re-opens!

Love u guys wif all the heart! :)

To my beloved sistaz and my bro terence!

I miss u guys too!

I miss u guys the most!!

Bro! I miss EU!!

title:
date: Friday, June 03, 2005
time:7:58 AM

Today i am feeling realli farked up bcox my dad grounded me from goin to netball today!!

It is not fair at all..

This realli shows how biase he is towards me..

He is always nice to my younger broz then me!

Now i am stuck at home and taking care of my broz!

Since i am at home,

He told my mom to go market and i will take care of the boys!

IS THIS FAIR?!?!

I don think so!

I realli hate him rite now!

He is always like tt!

I am not trying to hate him but he keeps on making me hate him more and more

and more and more!

He says tt i am taking to much responsibility!

He says tt i am concentrating more on my netball and student council then on my studies!

Wat is tis!

He does not knw anithing abt me!

He does not knw tt as a captain i have to make sure tt everything is kept properly...

But i don do tt and i pass the responsibility to someone else!

U call t responsibility!

I always do tt cox he always wans me to be home early!

I don even have time to hang out wif my fwens!

Then my student council responsibility!

If he is complaining abt my responsibility as a student council then y make me a student council!

Y??

He has the power to decided but he still agreed to it!

So who's the STUPID one now!!

So much for the responsibility!

Someone realli have to teach him a lesson!

I realli cant take it animore!
If he does not like my attitude or my responsibility then take it away!

I don wan to cry all day juz bcox he does not let me do the things i wan to do!

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT FOR 15 YEARS!

The thing tt realli got me angered up was the kiss on my forehead in the morning,

before he went off to work!

He still DARED to kiss me good bye after wat has happened!

How dare you, Daddy!!!!