you said move on (where do i go)

title:
date: Monday, September 29, 2008
time:6:05 PM

i have many unforgiven sins.

Problems after problems plying up in my life. NOTHING is the same anymore. Like what she said, we are no longer the same people we use to know. Its true. Some people turn into monsters and the rest try to be the same people like before. Its hard to impress or keep each other happy. Nothing i do is right and all the things i do is for my friends but not everyone will be happy. Unforgiven sins is what i have and what i will always have with me.

TO ALL MY MUSLIM FRIENDS,

SELAMAT HARI RAYA! Hope you guys will have a better and fun day then me. :)

title:
date: Friday, September 26, 2008
time:5:10 PM

am i crazy or falling in love, or is it another crush?

had a bad day yesterday. talked to whoever tt called me and everyone told me the same thing. why put myself in misery when i have so many people around me tt love me as much as her? why.. i keep asking myself this question last night but nothing seems to make sense. its easier said then done to forget abt a friendship tt was 12 years long. its not easy. we were practically family or could even be a relationship but she doesnt seem to think tt way.

shima asked me a good question just now. "why am i so up tight abt this?". and my reply was "i don knw". trying hard to move on. trying very hard.

met amrit for a while just now. followed him to marina sq since he was suppose to report there for the F1 thingy. we just kept walking around, went into every adidas shop to see what's new but saw nothing tt was appealing. then we walked into the nike shop and saw the shoe that i wanted. its not the same colour but this model. i was joking with him before we went into the shop tt i wanted to buy the whole shop cause its NIKE! but i don't know from where, he said yes that he will buy for me the shoe, with his cheeky smile. haha. so he bought it for me! love him. the shoe costed $95. cute right?

nice right. its just for school. thanks amrit! love you!

as for my friends that were there for me. thank you. thank you for being there when there wasn't anyone left for me. and for my bf. sorry i vented my anger on you. i take things to seriously and i know its hard for you to understand how i feel abt this friendship dilemma but you never fail to try. thanks. shima, thanks for letting me vent my anger on you. thank you. i owe u an outing soon. as for the rest... jalan raya is still happening (i hope). miss u guys. :)

you had the choice to choose between friendship or relationship.

but you choose neither.

title:
date: Thursday, September 25, 2008
time:11:06 PM

our friendship is over.

i don't want to be treated like this anymore.

treated like trash.

helping a friend is like a burden that will be with you forever but that is what bestfriends do.

but not for you.

i don't think you cherish a friend like me.

i don't need someone like you anymore.

its not easy to forget what we went thru but i'll manage.

i can't take it anymore.

its kind of stupid to let a guy come in between us but tt is what happened.

stupid things happen to good people.

i don't want to get involve.

you are just another person i knew from school.

another bestfriend i had tt left me stranded.

you think abt your problems but not other people's.

when was the last time you did something for someone besides yourself?

i'm taking a big step right not by doing this and i don't even know if i'm doing the right thing.

but there's no point for me to cry anymore.

like what i said..

it will be hard to forget but i will try.

let this 12/13 years together be a memory or a dream, u choose?

title:
date:
time:5:29 PM

SO WHAT.

i had a very interesting day today. spent time with mrs teo and bjorn at starbucks, bugis. it was so fun cause we sat there for almost 3 hours, doing nothing but talk. it felt like the old days and i began to miss those days. we had to discuss a few things for the upcoming camp and i have to plan on what i want to say for my sharing sessions. i have no clue? wat is so interesting about my school life, also i don know but somehow Mrs teo thinks that they will learn something from me. but whatever it is... i still don't know of what to talk about.

i'm starting to do alot more of my unfinished work now and i'm getting tired more often. its just going to get more and more painful. life is getting sucky-ier... but tt is NAFA. it just sucks out the life from you and leave you there to rot.

its been some time since i had a normal conversation with my bf. his busy and so am i. no time to even talk. hais. what has happen to the LOVE! WHERE IS THE LOVE, THE LOVE, THE LOVE... i'm just not going to bother him already, from now on. if he feels like talking then i'll talk if not.. just leave him alone.

decided to post some of my latest work from my photography lesson. nothing too fancy but these are the things that keep me busy all day. :) pls do comment.

title:
date: Wednesday, September 24, 2008
time:7:27 PM

let me catch my breathe before you steal it again.

i was up till 4am yesterday just trying to complete my work. my photography montage was a disaster but in the end she loved it. so... it paid off. my mood swings are getting worst as i think about those times. trying not to vent it on the wrong people but somehow i still do. cant help it but i'm trying to improve.

since my one week is over, i have plenty of work to do and its getting tougher as the days go by. my ISP (integrated studio projects) are starting in a few weeks time, and that is the crucial point of my first year. hahaha. everyday seems a crucial point but nevermind.

hari raya is coming soon and my family has not gone to geylang at all. we don't have our baju kurung nor shoes. this year seems so different. it won't feel that special i guess. holiday is only for one day and its pathetic. hari raya is not going to be the same anymore.

i don't know if you will read this but i have this gut feeling you will.

i don't know what has gone into you but i'm starting to believe what people say

about you is true.

it took me this long to realise that something is wrong with this friendship.

i guess its just me..

i don't seem to be able to keep a 'bestfriend' forever.

i guess all i can say is..

all the best to you and wish you all the luck.

title:
date:
time:12:46 AM

FUCK THE WORLD!

now i know, there isn't anyone in this world that can be trusted with any secrets. No matter how small it might be or how stupid it may be, one way another, it will lick out to the whole world.

i was having a fucked up day today. firstly... my classes were boring but i was happy to be back in class. my friends were always there to keep me happy.

as for the rest of you.. i hate you! except for those close to my heart. don know who you are then ask!

title:
date: Tuesday, September 23, 2008
time:10:30 AM

WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!

I felt betrayed and confused yesterday.

I cant believe someone did that to me and my bf.

We were so shocked yesterday that i had to apologise to someone.

you bloody hell promised that me that you wouldn't say our name but you did!

but you still did!

the 2 of us have nothing to say to you anymore.

title:
date: Sunday, September 21, 2008
time:10:06 PM

one week has gone and nothing is done.

i just realised that my life is full of lies and doubt. one way or another, i'll upset someone.

i'm never good enough for some people.

i'm sick and tired of being made a fool for everyone to see.

i'm starting to regret certain parts of my life.

my life will never be perfect!

happy 4 years and 1month amrit! :)

title:
date: Tuesday, September 16, 2008
time:10:31 PM

i need to get my

mind away from

my problems.

i've had a bad week and its not getting better. i have friendship issues and assignments burning in my mind. my heart is filled very disgust and frustration as i continue to live this way. nothing is as it was and it makes me insane. i thought i had everything but everything is not what i have hoped for. its as if i'm going back into the past. my heart is in fire, filled with anger. no one knows exactly how i feel, not even my 'bestfriend'.

i was suppose to go to st john's island today with a few of my classmates witha short vacation but there wasn't anything interesting there anyway. anyway, my photography lecturer was going along and i'm not interested in spending a whole 3 days with her anyway.

stayed home the whole day and it feels good. its nice to be able to spent time with irfan and my mom. my mom still has not started on her kuih and i have this feeling that it will never happen. kesian all my friends who come over during hari raya. oh ya, did u guys know that i'm 'CHARLIE'. i was apparently re-named by my girlfriends yesterday as i was talking to them thr loudspeaker. its cute but why do i have to be charlie. his no fun. no one has seen him before. the only good thing is that he/she has a good/sexy voice. hahahahha.

miss my bf today. miss him ALOT! have not had a proper conversation with him for a long time. i know his busy with his work but i just miss him.

i don know if this is a game to you cause its not funny.

u made us promise to on the date and time.

we wanted to spent time together but that was not your point.

then wat was your point?

you didn't meet us cause you thought spending time with ahtank was a better choice.

well...

its not.

we're not saying its a bad thing but cant you just think about us.

i have always been there for you without fail.

done things for you that not even my bf know.

i never once complained cause that was what bestfriends do.

but i don think you would do that for me?

i'll say this only once so pay attention.

i don know if you learnt from the last fight but i think your trying to test this friendship.

all i can say is...

i don care what you were trying or thinking about that day.

all i can say is...

i cant promise you anything anymore.

my heart just wont let me anymore.

its a good month and i'm not going to fight.

as for hari raya..

its going to happen, no matter what.

that is the only time we spent time together.

your going to plan it again.

if you disagree than please tell me.

don just hide behind your privatized blog pretend your not there.

title:
date: Sunday, September 14, 2008
time:4:32 PM

i don know what your trying to do right now but its
shows alot of about our friendship. its shows how
much u treasure this friendship. i just don't know
what else to say. mayb i should just keep quiet so it
wont end up like the last time. that is all i have to say
to u now. no more words can explain how disappointed!

title:
date: Saturday, September 13, 2008
time:9:57 PM

today i am pissed.

let me put it like this, ok. if your best friends keeps asking u to go out with the whole group of our friends, you would do anything to tag along. that was wat i did but my sacrifices were left unnoticed. i still cant believe u actually went out with your bf instead of us, just because i couldn't stay out late. come on la. is this what bestfriends are for! you always say that we have known each other for a very long time, right. but u still treat me like this.

i sacrificed my family day for u, to spent time with everyone. everyone! but in the end i spent it with shima. how do u think it made us feel! i know u too well la ok. i didnt have to ask my bf where u were cause i had a feeling u were out with ur bf.

i was always there for u when u needed me. i never complained u know. i was more then willing cause our friendship is important to me. but i don think it is to u. u knew who longer huh! him or me. so u cant make time for me! pls la! i had enough of being treating like a bloody dog by everyone! when u need me then u look for me but when i need u, ur no where to be found.

i still cant believe u did this to us today. u said u had something important to do at home. ok, fine. why cant u meet us after. if u could make it for their soccer game tat started at 5, why cant u meet us. me and shima only went out at 5, so dont come telling us that you were busy. you have plenty time to go out with ur bf on other days, but for me, its almost impossible. but still u didnt take up this opp to spent time with me.

i don knw what to say to you anymore. i'm pissed. dont think that my bf had anything to do with this. i was the one tat couldnt take it and doesnt know anything. get it!!!!

title:
date: Friday, September 12, 2008
time:6:02 PM

my brain is working in the most slowest mode right now and its hard to think straight. i'm not saying that its a bad thing but i really need it to finish up my work. today was my last day of school before the one week break. quite happy to know that its time to rest but still as stressful when i think about the amount of work i have to do.

my dad was nice enough to let me go out tmr with the rest of my secondary friends. he thought that i needed a long break from school and even he said that he has never seen me this stress before. its good that he is starting to understand what i'm trying to do for my future. now he knows that all his hard earn money is not going to waste.

i miss irfan so much. i have not seen him for over a week now, even though he comes over everyday but i always seem to miss him. hopefully today i get to meet him (& for the rest of the week).

well... i guess that is all. i have to clean up amrit's room. he thinks i'm his 'babu' or something. damn irritating! bye people. see u guys soon! see u tmr shima! :)

title:
date: Wednesday, September 10, 2008
time:10:36 PM

i need a break soon.

really pack with lots of homework the past few days. not much time left for me to touch up on my work. cant wait for my one week break from school. its not really a holiday nor a break but just a quick breather for all of us. within that one week break, i still have to drop by school for extra classes and that sucks. but its better then nothing right.

on up coming plans for the remainder of this week and next week would be:

thursday - 2 major presentations with my main lecturer
friday- meeting up with my boyfriend for a stress-free day
saturday - going for buka puasa with my sec friends. (i hope)
sunday - madrasah :(
monday - photography class (9.00- 11.00) & photo-shoot with my dear 'photographer' girlfriend, shima.
tuesday - sleep & complete work
wednesday - sleep
thursday - intro to advertising class
friday- don know (maybe meet boyfriend)

how sucky can my life be right. need to hang out with my friends more often. need to enjoy life more and maybe shopping (if money falls from the sky). hopeful i get to go out for the whole day, see who invites me out, since now they know my schedule.

that is all i have for now. see u guys soon. :)

together we cry.

title:
date: Monday, September 08, 2008
time:9:24 PM

You got me flying-solo...

my one week break starts from next week. cant wait for it though. need more sleep. i know that this one week will be pack with assignments but i would still take the break. fasting is ok, i guess. for me, its fast. so caught up with school work that i don even realise time passes by so fast. haha. That is the best part of being in school most of the time.

met amrit today. we are ok ever since the last incident. my friends ask me to talk to him about the past incident and tell him not to do it again, but deep down i dont feel like talking about it. being left behind is not something i wan to feel again nor talk about again. we are ok now, i guess. there wasnt any agruements nor screaming. so i guess we are fine. today was his brother's birthday so i got the chance to wish him happy birthday at his place.

i'm really thankful for all of my best friends that are always there for me. even if we dont get to meet every single time, they still bother to give me advice and for that, thank you so much! you guys keep me going! as for my other girlfriend.. i know your going thru a tough time but its part of being in a relationship. i just read your blog and you said he bought u something as an apology gift. i don think that is the best way to ask for an apology. being in a relationship is not about the amount of branded goods but for the feelings you have for each other. like me and amrit, even if we fight. we never dragging the problem for more than 2 days. one of us will ask for forgiveness and forget about it.

if he isnt there for you when you need him then wat is the point. he wants you to be there always but not for you. if his sleep is more important then ask him to marry 'sleeping beauty'. if not then ask him to wake up and realise what he has infront of him before its too late.

all i can say is that, if its not worth crying for than dont. if its worth living for then go for it but if its draining you of your feelings and strength then let it go now then later. that is all i have to say.

you change my whole life

don know whatcha doin to me with your love

i'm feeling all superhuman

you did that to me

superhuman!

title:
date: Saturday, September 06, 2008
time:10:46 PM

how could u just leave me there, all alone?

this past few days, things have been getting better for me. took some time off, just to get some rest. felt good after a while. anyway, the past 2 days i have been watching movies at cinne. first with sha then with amrit. me and sha watched bad habits then i watched death race with amrit. bad habits was a great story. worth every dollar i paid. so much cheaper then back here.

anyway, my outing with amrit was fun at the starting but then it got worst. he practically left me at bugis mrt station just cause he thought that was the best way to run away from an arguement. i was left there like a BLOODY FOOL. people was staring at me when they realised i was ditched! i think that is the best word to describe my situation at that time. i was about to cry.

don ever do that to me again.

you want to run away from u problem do it when i'm not physically with you.

how could u just leave me there, in front of people like that.

don make me feel as if i was still with farhan cause that was what he use to do.

if u plan to do that again, then go to hell!

title:
date: Thursday, September 04, 2008
time:1:10 AM

Burning Night Oil

i have not had a proper goodnights rest. nothing seem to make sense to me. I cry to myself this nights and my brain is failing on me. i don even have the strength to get up for sahur anymore. I rather sleep then eat. something today made me miss my secondary school life so much.

mrs teo shu yen called me today to ask for my help in school. talking to her made me realise how much i miss secondary school. the times when we could joke with the teachers and look forward to lessons. but now, lecturers are coming down our throat for perfection.

i realised just now that crying doesn't really help me. it doesn't solve my problems, doesn't help me complete my work nor help me make time for those that i care about so much. but the tears just comes when it feels like it. nothing is under my control anymore. not my feelings, anger nor my tears.

i was talking to sha about, what if we decided to drop out if we can't take it anymore? i don't think its a good thing to do but it does pop into my mind as days goes by. but i don't think i would ever do that. but the 2 of us just can't help it. we try to hard to reach for perfection but forget about the smallest things like love and life.

i can't help but think that we might be falling apart as long as i keep going on like this.

i can't even make time to talk to you anymore.

school work takes over my mind and life, and leave you in the dust.

i'm so scared of what the future might bring and i'm scared you wont be there with me.

i miss the times we talked and laughed.

i just can't help it but think about this.

Could YOU help assure me that you will be there no matter what?

title:
date: Wednesday, September 03, 2008
time:1:45 AM

hey everyone.

Its 2am in the morning and i'm not asleep yet. still have plenty of work to do. my eye bags are definitely under my eyes if i'm going at this rate. my eyes and brain are not functioning right and my back is killing me. i miss my bed even though its right behind me. i'm so tempted to just jump on my bed and just doze off but i'm trying my best not too. had a rough day today, my mp3 has no more storing space, my assignments keep plying up, i just found out that my holiday has been cut to only one week and i miss my friends.

trying to take things in positively. fasting is making it harder for me to vent my anger on things/people. trying hard to keep things in and not break my fast. my classmates are making it easier for me but somehow its still harder for me. I just need to really rest. my throat is dry, my head is spinning and my back is at the verge of breaking off.

my design elements teacher tried to make class more interesting. he said that anyone with 3 lines on your palm tt doesn't join or connect means you will own a big business when you work. and i was the only one in class that has 3 lines that doesnt connect. so funny. he told everyone to be nice to me cause they might be working under me when we start working. it was funny and i enjoyed that class. if you guys want to try it out, go ahead. just remember girls have to check their right and guys on their left. good luck. do post on my tagboard if you are also going to own a business like ME! HAHAHAHA!

ok la. enough of bullshit for one day. got to get back to my work. hope to see you guys soon. miss you guys so much!

SELAMAT BERPUASA! :)